Elephant Seals Club

No, I'm not selling large objects to club adorable sea creatures with. And no, I'm not writing a conspiracy story about a secret elephant unit used in surgical military strikes by former President Bush.

In response to Sundry's recent post and subsequent comments by myself and my wife, I am forming the Elephant Seals Club. Fellow fathers, husbands, and engaged men, this club's sole purpose will be to counteract the wrongs we, as men, have suffered through over the years at the hands of our women. We Elephant Seals (large lumpy creatures who snore through our children's late night stirring, the only perk some of us seals have) will be breaking down the marriage myths that kick us in the balls and steal money from our wallets.

First order of business will be the "Engagement rings should cost two months salary" rule that our wives and girlfriends love to quote. Far be it from me to try and squash this myth that has been so deeply embedded in our significant others' brains. Instead I propose that we perpetuate a new tradition to counteract this travesty. We need to demand equality! NO 4C'S WITHOUT HDTV!

Our women get their "two month salary" ring when we get engaged. And what do we get? Years of compounded interest on said ring. I propose that we, as men, deserve equal compensation for said engagement. From now on men will get an electronics item(s) equal to cost of this ring. In the spirit of amendments to the US Constitution and future fallen comrades, I chose not to be specific on said electronics item as technology changes faster than my 3 year old daughter's mood.

Think of how much money you spent on that engagement ring. Then go to your favorite electronics store's website and see how big of a TV that money can buy. It's huge, isn't it? Can't fit it in the living room? Remember that exercise room with the treadmill and elliptical contraption your wife made you buy that's been collecting dust for the last 5 years? Two words---- Craig's List. Even better, use that money for the 7.1 surround sound system that your new TV desperately needs. You'll have that "something is missing" feeling without it. It's like eggs without bacon, golf without cigars, or sex when your wife is sober.

Second order of business: The Wedding Registry. Find a copy of that wedding registry. Don't fret, it's still out there somewhere. Whether online, in a box in your attic, or under 24 hour surveillance in a safe deposit box (picture the puzzle box in the DaVinci Code), it still exists. Your wife lets go of wedding memories, including all her notes and lists, like we let go of old sporting goods and power tools. I mean, really, we still might use them some day, right?

Carefully scroll down the list of items on the list. Check off any items that you, yourself, actually wanted. There are probably a few, perhaps a coffee maker, or maybe you were able to sneak that Bar-B-Que tool set, with case included, on the list and have your best man buy it before your wife had time to remove it. Oh, and if you put check marks next to anything made of china or crystal, please stop reading this, go home and find the box your wife is keeping your balls in and kindly reattach them.

As you'll probably notice, 95% of the things on that wedding registry you could really care less about. In response to this next travesty, we will be sending out envoys to Home Depot, Lowes, Best Buy, and other stores we love to get them to openly promote wedding registries. No more will we need to fake a smile to be courteous to those who buy us $50 salad plates which in their best year will be used once, and could be replaced by perfectly decent and unbreakable plates at the local bargain store for $1 each. Instead imagine the feeling you'll get when you open your shiny new 18 volt power drill, or that surround sound receiver with HDMI switching you've been craving.

It is time that we take back our rights as men! It is time to end Elephant Seal suffrage!

Picture this beauty in your living room. No longer will you need to use the zoom function on your DVD player for porn.